Brian Takes a Turn Writing

We are sitting in the Seattle-Tacoma airport waiting for our flight to Los Angeles to start our world cruise that has been long in the planning.  Too many thoughts are running through my head to share them all.

But last night as I was falling asleep I was reminded of how much feelings of guilt affect our lives (bear with me.)  Over twenty years ago, when I was in the financial planning business, I used to listen to a lot of motivational tape series.  One of those was Mike Wicket, who covered a variety of subjects, but his talk on guilt has always stuck with me.  Paraphrasing, he said that guilt is a vile, worthless, destructive emotion and we should make every effort to rid our lives of it.

From that time on I did work on that, improved my dealings with it, but still can’t totally rid myself its effects.  Of course we all live around a high percentage of people who are, by nature, guilt “dispensers”, which doesn’t help our individual efforts to cope with it.

In 2018 we were booked on a two week Caribbean cruise that sailed in November, including Kristine’s birthday.  Three days before, I (as trustee and POA) received a call from the nursing home where my Dad had been for the past nine years.  His condition had declined to the point they suggested putting him on hospice care in place at the home.  I made the calls, signed the paperwork, and made the decision (with plenty of efforts to make me feel guilty coming in from various sources) to continue our trip. My main point of reference on hospice being recommended was Kristine’s stepmother who was on and off in hospice for two to three years before she passed.  Three days into our trip my Dad passed (such a blessing as he had not known any of us and had been getting violent at times for several years) and we continued on our trip.

Today we are leaving on another, much longer trip.  Over the past few weeks, we have been dealing with the decline in health of my Mom, who turned 95 in November, and the declining health of our 16+ year old terrier (Charlie) who we have had since he was 8 weeks old.

As my Mom worked to recover from Covid that she contracted in June, her health declined to the point we needed to move her from her assisted living apartment into a skilled nursing home.  In October and November, we thought we were going to lose her several times.  Kristine and I talked often whether we should postpone our world cruise.  I was back and forth to South Dakota numerous times dealing with things between May and December.  We were fortunate to have wonderful family offer to keep Charlie, so the main factor was my Mom.

But here we are.  Kristine and I are both cancer survivors, and we know there are only so many years and chances out there ahead for us to do the traveling that had always been our plan in retirement.  I have made arrangements with my sisters on how we will handle things should my Mom pass while we are gone (we will continue our cruise and hold a memorial/celebration of life service when we return,) and while the twinges are there for me (the big G), I do feel we are doing the right thing, though again I am sure some do not agree with our decision.

Ultimately, we all face difficult decisions every day, week, month, and year, and I feel good about where I am sitting this morning.